The Vanishing Mediator

Having fun on the internet.

and now, a word from our sponsor

Download / View

If you have not yet heard one or more of the following true facts

…then this post serves as your official notification. A notarized receipt of delivery has been dispatched from your computer to my central server, where it will be read and cataloged by a Justice of the Peace. Thank you for helping to feed the insect that we pretend is a network of computers called the internet.

If you have heard all of those things, but have not yet bought a copy, then I can only assume that you were waiting to be told that you should do so by “advertising.”

Your wait is over.

tales in print

Well, this is it.

The culmination of what began as a way of venting frustration at a NaNoWriMo novel that turned into bullshit before the first chapter was even complete.

The final product of what went on for twice as long as my “pie-in-the-sky” goal, and twenty-five times as long as my “realistic” goal.

If you are looking for an easy distraction, let me suggest my book—Easily-Distracted Tales. It is now available for purchase here or by clicking the new image at the top of the left column over there. (Over there. Closer, warm… hot… boiling! There we go.) All further details may be found on that page.

Now will begin an aggressive ad campaign. Where my personal definition of “aggressive” is roughly equivalent to the phrase “as much as I can stand.” However, I think I have a real thing going, here. And a longtime partnership has erupted into a second, simultaneous creative endeavor. I ought to have more details on that before the summer is out. Regardless, I promise that it will have fewer words.

As always, please look forward to it.

We are the Borg. You will be assimilated. Your biological and technological distinctiveness will be added to our own. Resistance is futile.

The Borg Collective, Star Trek (various incarnations)

yang: the world’s most evil buddhist

Download / View

The world’s most evil Buddhist has revealed himself at last. He is dispensing his wisdom in an attempt to be accepted into the Evil League of Evil. Listen, learn, and love.

This is a video that my friend Dominic and I wrote and filmed for submission to a content involving the Evil League of Evil, from Dr. Horrible’s Sing-Along Blog. (It also makes a good test of my new video posting capabilities.) It got us an Honorable Mention, at least. And it was proof to me that I can come up with an idea and follow through on it to completion. Which proof I think everyone sorely needs from time to time.

In fact, we had to follow through on it to completion twice, as the first recording session was deemed unusable for various, forgotten reasons. Our ever-present thanks, I’m sure, to Tom Collins for letting us film at his (luxurious) apartment and raid his fridge when he wasn’t paying attention wait hang on I wasn’t supposed to say that part backspace backspace

civil certainty

“By combining the powers of the Police Department and the Fire Department, I have become the ultimate civil servant!”

“Not so fast, Detective Firefighter.”

“Gasp! EMT Councilman! But you’re too late. Your powers and mine are now equals. We shall fight to a standstill forever!”

“That’s Mayor EMT Councilman to you.”

“What? Impossible!”

“Read the sash.”

“But you can’t serve as Mayor and as a Councilman at the same time! That’s a conflict of interest pursuant to ¶902.3(c) of the city charter.”

“Oh, I’m well aware of the charter. But I also know that the Head of the Exploratory Ethics Committee’s daughter has a Little League game tonight. Which means that my hearing has been postponed to Wednesday evening at the earliest. Giving me just enough time to finish… you… off.”

“How clever. I should never have underestimated you; of course you’d be able to resuscitate your own plans. Very well, then. You’ve forced my hand. Behold! The certification test to become… a Postal Carrier!”

“One of the Federal Powers? You wouldn’t dare!”

“And thanks to the Supremacy Clause, I’ll be invincible! Mwa, ha, ha, ha, ha!”

better than all other buys

I am sure that all of you, my readers, know the big-box retailer called Best Buy. But have you heard of these failed spinoffs?

Beast Buy
A pet store.
Blessed Buy
A store that tried to bring back the Catholic practice of selling indulgences.
Breast Buy
A single-focus plastic surgeon. Best known for the “Lunchtime Lift,” a service that cost only $39.95+tax. (Successful, but sued out of existence by Victoria’s Secret.)
Blast Buy
A fireworks emporium. Open July 2nd through 5th.
Best By
A supermarket that tried to offer the lowest prices by selling food that was about to pass its expiration date.
Pest Buy
An insect and rodent exterminator.
Pressed Buy
North America’s largest purveyor of olive and avocado oils.
Passed By
The store at the exit on the highway that you just missed. It is the only one that sells your eight-year-old daughter’s favorite brand of juice, and the last one with a bathroom for the next 152 miles.

run over

Download

Here, in fact, is one of the treats that was played during the intermission of the podcast interview.

It is a dramatic recreation of one of the Easily-Distracted Tales tales, and I’m very pleased with how it turned out. It’s often fun to get a second draft at things. (Comedic recreation? Reading with sound effects?)

This was originally created for the Machine of Death Talent Show. Someday, I will have to learn how to animate. The response I received from the organizers of the show (and the book itself) have led to a backupportunity, as well. One I am very excited about.

Additionally, they have publicly announced solicitation of submissions for a second volume of Machine of Death, and details are available for casual or serious perusal. I encourage any of you who are write-oriented to read what they are looking for and consider submitting. There could be a cool $200.00 in it for you, in addition to recognition and an audience. Whichever you consider to be more important, I hope the choice is an easy one.

a clean start

Earlier today, I made a joke that I was going to explode. (I am reasonably certain that I did not do so, however.) Then I listened to an interview with John Darnielle of The Mountain Goats.

This is the result.

remember to bleach the blood from the carpet
before it sets into a stain.
and pluck out the sharp, white shards of skull
that have embedded themselves in the drywall.

don’t leave those bones lying out on the floor
where the ants can find them.
and you probably shouldn’t turn on the heater
until you account for every inch of intestine.

make sure when you move away from this house
to escape the terrible memory
that I’ve already left long, long before you.
and leave for the people who live in it next
a clean start.

even though my end was anything but,
i’m sure they deserve a clean start.