It’s clear to see that YouTubers tend not to stick around for very long, even for one of the funniest things on the internet. Though the lowest part’s 1.5 million viewers is still an admirable number, it positively pales in comparison to the first part’s 8.5 million.
There are four notable outliers to the general downward trend:
Act 1, Part 11
Act 2, Part 1
Act 2, Part 5
Act 2, Part 9
The last is the easiest to explain, and the relatively close Act 2, Part 8 helps: Viewers tried to skip to the ending. This assumption is not unreasonable, I feel. That Act 2, Part 1 contains “Part 1” could have confused some viewers into thinking it was the beginning, as well.
The remaining two parts may simply have some fan-favorite moments in them. Act 2, Part 5 features a four-part harmony among the main protagonists and a kiss between two of them. Act 1, Part 11 is largely taken up by one song, “Granger Danger“. This does feature one of Draco Malfoy’s few singing instances, so it may be an outlier in that sense… however, Hermione Granger’s strapless ballgown is a more likely reason.
(Personally, Act 1, Part 11 contains one of the best, most memorable lines in the whole piece. “Squirt? Ugh. Never mind – I’ll stay dehydrated!”)
It had been hammered into me by popular media and a certain friend that a man must wait three days – no more, no less – before calling a woman after a successful date. It was as good a guideline as any.
The first day seemed to go by in an heartbeat. The second was considerably slower, due to work. I woke up, took the subway in ate lunch, and went back home. Possibly even in that order. Little made its way into my long-term memory until about 5:30, when the phone rang. I thought it would be Amanda.
The call came only a week later. The event was at 7:00, at an Irish pub near the Government Center stop on the Green Line. I was told that being late was not an option.
That gave me just enough time to get home from work and reapply deodorant before heading out again. I arrived at 6:45, but my name badge was the only one remaining on the sign-in table. Number M15, last to arrive. An inauspicious start.
The card burned a hole in my pocket for several days. Once I decided to visit modMatching, I did so right after work. They were a short T ride away, at Downtown Crossing on the Red Line.
Inside was a long, crowded waiting room. Terry hadn’t mentioned how popular this service was. I pushed through to the far wall and the reception desk. An interchangeable nameplate announced that the secretary’s name was Navah.
And this treatment from a friend. Terry slammed back another shot of Goldschläger and wiped his mouth with the back of his tie before continuing.
“What you need to do– Are you paying attention? What you need to do is just get out there and grab what you want. Literally. Go to a club, find a hottie in spaghetti straps, and grab… anything, really. Are you going to drink that?”
“Something’s gotten loose in the lab. I need two volunteers to help me contain and capture it. Who here is a bad enough dude to rescue my research project?”
The doors to the laboratory were heavily scarred with dents and scuffs from the kicks that preceded each one of Marie’s panic-causing pronouncements. Her heavy leather boots showed no mercy to any equipment, furniture, infrastructure, or person that stood in her way, literally and metaphorically alike.
However, where her ears would usually be filled with desperate sobs and cries not to be chosen, she was surprised to hear only a heavy sigh.
You may recall that a while back, I wrote a Machine of Death story as part of the initial run of Easily-Distracted Tales. You may further recall that I recorded a performance of this story to be submitted to the Machine of Death talent show.
Though that performance did not make it into the show, I must have done something right. I was asked if I had interest in reading one of the stories from the book for the Machine of Death audiobook-in-parts podcast. Of course I said yes. So I sat down in a small, questionably sturdy box composed of eggcrate-textured mattress toppers and alternately growled and whined into a USB microphone until I had a performance I wouldn’t be embarrassed sharing with the likes of Ryan North, Matthew Bennardo, and David Malki !
Then, when GarageBand inexplicably lost large chunks of that performance, I did it again.
The result is what you may hear in the link above. A real story, from the real Machine of Death, written by Bartholomew von Klick, and read by me.
I am so happy, I could just burst.
A helpful note: If you have arrived here from the Machine of Death site, clicking the link above will take you back there. And clicking the link there to here will take you back here again. It is possible that you will click back and forth between the two sites forever, following the circle over and over. Consuming all of your time and energy, eventually consuming all of the resources of the internet, the world, and the entire universe. The acceleration of entropy will cascade throughout the cosmos, converting everything into useless, roughly 2.275 K cosmic microwave background radiation.
I encourage you to do that in the strongest possible terms, as it sounds pretty entertaining.
Please enjoy another video that I have written in the hope that it will get more people to laugh, and maybe buy my book. What was the word I used last time? Advertising? More like Entertainmentising! Entertizing. Entainmentising… Enterprising…?
It was a heck of a lot of fun to make, and I look forward to many more. You’ll see their names in the video, but I’d nevertheless like to thank Andrew Wilkins, Michael Hyde, Amy Castonguay, and Elena A. I’d also like to thank EJ Massa for being both a camera and a cruel taskmaster. The video was periodically difficult to edit because some idiot kept on shouting “Action!” and “Cut!” at the actors. It appears that idiot’s name is Christopher Osborn.
Furthermore, I announce with a grand “Achievement Unlocked” that Easily-Distracted Tales is now available for sale on the Apple iBookstore. Another way that you can buy it, if you are so inclined.
There is a common superstition that food which has been dropped onto the floor is still viable (in the sense of “safely edible”) if it is picked up within five seconds. It is common to most western societies, and has traveled to the east through economic globalization, improved electronic communication, and… war. In Japan, for example, such occurrences are judged to be either safe or out, in the fashion of baseball.
Some hold to a three-second rule, but those people are both discredited and wrong.
I have been interviewed once again by a local podcast, this time even more local than before. Whereas my last appearance featured future-shilling of my book, this appearance featured present-shilling! It also featured readings of two Tales: “r’lyehctricity” and “how to meet boys if you are a ghost”. I have read the former as part of the original run (and that version is superior, due to post-processing), but the reading of the latter is new, and features the voice talents of the hosts where appropriate.
Listen on to hear my continued periodic breathing into the microphone, my thoughts on the 3DS price drop and its sundry consequences, and my stunned, joyful disbelief that the game VVVVVV is getting a level editor. Then go buy VVVVVV as part of the Humble Indie Bundle. …then maybe go buy my book?
Read it while a friend plays VVVVVV. Or vice versa.
Version 1.0.1 of Easily-Distracted Tales has been released to the various eBook sites that offer it for sale. Please perform whatever actions are necessary to update your copy. Readers who wish to update their physical copy to the latest version will find instructions for doing so on the Corrigenda page.
New readers will begin with 1 melon in their inventory, instead of the previous 3.
Units leaving a vortex produced by “astronomy cat” are now un-targetable and immune to damage for 1.5 seconds.
Several typographical errors have been fixed.
Cooldown time for “meatlessly alienated” has been increased from 0.3 seconds to 0.4 seconds.
A name change has been processed.
The Tale “sipid lipid” now holds 6 shots instead of the previous 5. Accordingly, the drop rate of “sipid lipid” ammo has been decreased by 16.6%.
Fixed a bug which would fail to enable the perma-ban button under certain circumstances on copies with Chris/0 Anti-Cheat enabled.