The Vanishing Mediator

Having fun on the internet.


An e-mail sent to my co-workers when I brought in food for them.

To receive the sweet treats which I have brought, you must solve this, the most nefarious and vexing of all riddles!

When the digital hand is short of noon
follow it up toward the unicorn moon
Meet the three beasts, all of differing hue
One vermillion, one veridian, one vermiform, too
’Pon the brightest of three lies the key to a lock
that speaks untruths – you must not let it talk
To the tip of the crescent where the light dances slow
toss the sand of the map from which languages flow
Let the great lock unfurl like a banner of old
sending light all around, making straw into gold
Gather the gold into great bales of false hay
Its critical weight will keep the wolficorns at bay
Keep your wits about you (also, all of your limbs)
try not to succumb to their lunar lupine whims
Eat the still-beating heart of the wolficorn king
then run as fast as you can for the large fairy ring
Fresh, fev’rous blood countermands mushroom’s blight
The path forward will glow in your new fairy-sight
Climb the silver-branched tree as high as you’re able
and Chinese sweet buns will be found…

…on the usual table.

Thereafter, they developed an inability to take anything I said seriously.