The Vanishing Mediator

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how to meet boys if you are a ghost

An Easily-Distracted Tale by Chris/0

Hello, ladies! This is Madame Vituperous again, here to help all of you with your after-lovelife.

This week, we’ll be going over an aspect that’s just as important in love as it is in real estate. Location, location, location. Not just anywhere will do, of course. Cultivating the proper mood is key, and a moldy, creepy graveyard usually just won’t do. (Of course, if it does, then he’s a keeper! Possibly a cryptkeeper…)

That said, I understand and sympathize that many of you are limited in your travel. But let’s go over a good and a bad for now, and if you have specific questions, feel free to write in!

First off, bars are right out. It may be a prime place for those who are alive, but let’s keep our standards in the afterlife, OK, ladies? Bars are crowded, often loud, and already full of spirits! Feel free to laugh at that one.

Libraries are an excellent place to meet boys, surprisingly enough. Despite the opposite having been true in our previous conditions. First off, the type of boy who would frequent a library is more likely to be accepting of your non-corporeal advances than boys you would meet in, say, a Wal-Mart. To be honest, the bookish types are usually a little starved for companionship, but that’s only half the reason. Reading all kinds of books will prepare the mind for acceptance of the spiritual realm. Additionally, libraries are traditionally seen as quiet places, so he’ll be less likely to scream and run, for fear of making too much noise.

Now that you have his attention, the fun can begin. Explore your ghostly powers beforehand. Can you induce sleep? Try interrupting his studying with a short nap, and introduce yourself in his dreams. Can you bring a person into a book, and live it as though it were real? Boy, then is the library ever the place for you. Try a book more on the fantasy side. Alice in Wonderland is an excellent place to start. Feel out where to deviate from the original story, and consider not playing the part of Alice. Maybe the Queen of Hearts, instead. Play the part right, and you can get a lot of leverage out of “Off with his head!”

On to letters!

Dear Madame Vituperous,

I think I have a crush on a bad boy. He has a scar, and he constantly gets away with breaking the rules. Our teachers are very divided on whether he’s a hero or a delinquent. But there are so many other ghosts here where I live that I don’t know how to get his attention. I’d have him come visit me, but… it’s not a place where boys are usually allowed.

Is there any advice you can give to help me out? I’m desperate, but out of practice. I want to make him do what I’m best known for doing.

Sincerely,
UBend2000

P.S. Should I ditch the glasses?

Dear UBend2000,

I’m not certain I understand that last paragraph, but I think I can help you out a bit.

Getting rid of your glasses would be a drastic move, I feel. The eyes are the window to the soul, and there’s a lot of magic in eyes. Try looking up what a Basilisk is, and you’ll see what I mean.

I recommend subtlety. You can’t just throw yourself at him. Imagine how it would feel to be minding your own business and someone deciding to throw something at you. I’m not sure how much travel you’re allowed, but have you considered the bathroom? I don’t mean the toilet; no one wants to be in one of those any more than is necessary. But maybe you could peek on him in the bath. Getting him used to your presence is the first step, after all.

But be careful. Those heroic types usually go for Asian girls or redheads. Good luck!

Dearest Madame Vituperous,

Do you have any advice for a ghostly girl who is trying to attract a ghostly boy? He was my lover, of a sort, in life, but events that led up to his death drove both of us a little mad. I had hoped that with the end of life, so also would come the end of his obsessions. But his focus has shifted from avenging his father to how things would be different if he had lived and become king.

All occasions seem to inform against me and spurn my dull advances.

Best regards,
O. Nonny-nonny

Dear O. Nonny-nonny,

Well, you’re in an enviable position. A lot of girls don’t get to be in the afterlife with the one whom they loved in life. Your situation is a bit different than MonteJ from last week—since she and her beloved were married in life—but a lot of it still applies.

Kings are a special kind of creature. They’re beset on all sides by slings and arrows, and this guy in particular sounds like he simply has an obsessive personality. But you need to do more than just remember his sins. He’s not adjusting to death as well as you are, I suspect. He needs to understand that business time is over. No more work, just play. Play’s the thing, wherein you’ll catch the libido of the king.

Now might you do it pat, he is distracted. If he’s allowed to sink more and more into his depression, he’ll just end up sulking in a grave, making jokes to a skull. I’ve seen it happen; it’s not pretty.

But there’s a more important question here. Is it love? It sounds as though you stuck with him (up to a point) through some pretty tough events. Less-strong women would have walked into a lake or something at the first sign of trouble. There are a lot of kinds of love. For example, there’s agápe, which is probably what you should be shooting for. It’s a deep kind of “true” love, of the sort felt between spouses or between a parent and a child. Éros is more of what we’d call “lust” nowadays. It’s an important component of any relationship (or so the theory goes), but it’s not enough on its own to be the kind of love that stands the test of time. The Greeks expanded the term to any kind of love of beauty, but I think they just didn’t want to have to invent a new word. Lastly, there’s Philia. This is typically defined as a “dispassionate, virtuous love,” one that includes loyalty to friends and community.

Well, that went on for a while, so don’t be surprised if my editor cuts it down. It should still make sense, nevertheless. [Eh, it’s the twilight week; we can give you the extra inches. —Ed.] So see which of those three you fall into before you decide to go on with this relationship. Death is an excellent time to make a fresh start!

Well, all, we have reached the end of another year. I’ve received many letters from successful ladies, and I’ll be printing those for the start of 2011.

Until next time!